At 16, with all the challenges and chaos in my household that would ripple forward for years to come, one profound gift was granted me- a modest set of weights. A barbell with several plates of various sizes and star-shaped screw-on pieces to secure them at both ends. Additionally, there were 2 smaller handle-type dumbbell bars of the same kind. All together I think the sum of the weight set was around 115 lbs. I wasn’t given a rack or a bench but at 16 I was scrawny enough to caterpillar under the bar and chest press it from the off-white carpet floor.
The interest in building muscle and getting big remains a mystery because I didn’t exactly idolize Stallone action movies or Arnold (though that would come later upon discovering this man’s mindset, heart and how much he truly contributed to the world of fitness in perpetuity.) All I knew was that it felt good. I wanted the big peaked biceps, the boulder shoulders and the striations of what I would later come to know as the serratus anterior. At the time I had a job loading mulch and soil bags into people’s trucks and cars at a local plant nursery. Some of these bags, especially after a rainy day could easily weigh upwards of 50 lbs and on one shift in particular I had loaded so many bags into a contractor truck that my arms simply locked up! It was as if they said… “Nope! Nuh-uh. No more, buddy,” lit up a cigar, removed their proverbial hard hat, punched out their time card and went home- ‘cause I couldn’t order or force them to lift even one more bag. This set up an embarrassing predicament where I actually had to go over to my new boss -as I had only been there about a week- and say “Hey, I’m sorry but my arms don’t work. I need to go home.” He wasn’t happy but he let me. Oh to be 16 again.
I’m so grateful for that job because it was the beginnings of building character. After each shift, you can imagine what I smelled like having handled fertilizer, dirt and woodchips all day in the hot sun- it was unpleasant but I could take pride in a hard day’s work. I got to water many beautiful plants and see how many customers came every day and were truly invested in the commerce of plant life. My boss was a hard ass but you know what, life will do that to you and sometimes you just have to be that way and I don’t blame him at all. He was an honest worker and I appreciate him deeply for that. I shouldered the day’s tasks with many undocumented people who were also there quid pro quo and though there was a steep language barrier, we had laughs and brotherhood.
Most years since that age have seemed like pushing the boulder up the hill for it to roll down even lower. Many lessons were learned, but not the shiny happy way that people seem to manifest on social media, leaving me to wonder, ‘what’s real?’ and ‘how different am I really?’ Of course there’s that old saying that everybody’s got it bad. But… through my own sneaking suspicions and confirmation from a therapist, I know there exist orders of magnitude. Everything’s relative but at the same time, no it’s not.
Through many pursuits I continued to beat my head against the wall and harm myself and self-concept in ways too numerous to portray. And basically this went on until recent days as I’ve allowed myself to be softer, in direct defiance to the machismo, go-down-with-the-ship, no-weakness and no mercy attitude I inflicted upon myself because I thought that was what was expected of me. I thought that would gain me love and approval. Pain? Bring it on! I can take it!
Now, where did that come from? Of course there is a long conversation that still needs to be had about how that in fact is what is expected of men. I’m happy to engage in that discussion or not at this point. All I know is it’s time to take care of myself because even when I pushed myself to the absolute brink, no one came over to ask if I was ok. No one took the time or energy or space to allow me to unwind all the frustration and confusion. I had to pay a professional to do so and thank God that resource exists. And by the way, the more distance I get from the bootstraps mentality, the less convinced I am that there are any true rewards from it besides the lining of someone else’s pockets or ego.
What am I getting at? That there has always been something inside me that needs to be brought out into the light and as I’ve afforded myself the luxuries of studying the body, entertaining my intellectual curiosities (however unpopular), opening up to others, listening to my gut that it’s time to make a dramatic shift, and drawing closer to MY OWN VISION (and nobody else’s!) I am finally having moments where I can actually look at myself in the mirror and see the results I’ve always wanted.
In some ways this is a lonely revelation. For a long time, I wanted to join others, to be-a-part-of… as they say. But it may be there is just too much of a distance between me and 99.9% of others. But that doesn’t mean someone has to be wrong. Just different things to offer. Different flavors and ways to express life on Earth. Some of us have seen too deep into the void to be left untouched while others are equally intelligent, wise-cracking, funny, loving and warm without the thousand yard stare. My guiding light is just a different color than others’ and that’s ok.
At 35 I ask myself… what have I missed because I was too busy trying to be tough? Who does me being ‘tough’ benefit and how? Does men denying their own emotional, physical and spiritual needs lead to a happier healthier world? Do I actually want to end up anything like my parents or the role models I adopted earlier on? Is being lonely the price one has to pay for no longer being willing to sacrifice their intuition?
I don’t know fully the answers to all these questions, though I believe I have some educated guesses. I’m sure there are still many lessons to be learned and I’m not the naive younger boy I once was, yet somehow I am more fresh faced than at 16. I see more clearly than ever and I have those striations, shoulders and biceps (as well as many other muscles I didn’t even know existed) on my body as well as in my mind’s eye or third eye if you will. Where does this go? I don’t know yet but each day I grow more and more excited and eager. Smarter beyond just the cerebral way which is typically lauded as the supposed sign of one’s ultimate capacity.
I say less and do more. I care less what others think. I’m ok with mistakes and imperfections. I forgive myself for what I didn’t know because I couldn’t know. I’m embracing the power of flexibility over rigidity. Nature over industrialism.
It might feel lonely right now but something tells me it won’t always be this way and that gives me hope.
Thank you for taking the time to read! I truly value your time and interest.
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I hope you’re doing great! But it’s ok if you’re not. Things will get better I promise you.
Have a great morning, afternoon, evening. Take care of yourself. Enjoy some nice coffee or tea.
And as I see it, everything is training. So you might as well train amazing! And when you do that, you will inevitably live amazing.
Take care.
-M
TrainAmazing 
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