Put the phone down at 10:02 – way past my usual sleep-by time of 8:30PM. Stayed up watching reels of creative group reactive drills and games, strongman exercises, eccentric creators with home gyms and an all-level/all-ages British womens’ rugby club.
Nary a tinge of compare and despair this time. The long-time break from instagram served me well. I’m genuinely happy to see others winning now. New personality who dis?? I used to be so competitive and frankly jealous of others that I couldn’t experience that type of empathy for others because I was too frustrated with my own progress.
But things are going well! Not perfect and not where I’d like to be but they are definitely improving.
Given such a late to-sleep time, I woke up at 5 instead of the usual 3/3:30. Not great but I take a look in the mirror and see the results of the work I’ve been putting in- day in and day out. 24/7. There is no time that my goals are not on my mind. I never let up on them. Life is too precious to waste. And the quarter-sized swelling from the red ant venom from Saturday is fading, thank goodness because conflicting sources on the internet say it should be fading away either in 3 days or in 7 (and if not to call a doctor!!) Yesterday being Tuesday, it had certainly been 3 days and I hadn’t seen any regression.
A dull dissatisfaction hums in the top right of my homunculus-ness. It’s the bother of the dirt and grime in my apartment. I’d love to be a cleaner person but…
Let’s take a look at the sources of the dirt:
- Dirty shoes from runs and hikes as well as dirt brought in onto the floor from such outings
- Spots on the walls from putting my feet up on the edge of the couch- usually from after runs
- Clothes strewn about on the floor- because I’m too tired from the gym, muay thai, jiu jitsu, or runs to pick it all up
- Disorganized fridge- too tired to clean it out
- Soap scum in the shower- can’t be bothered to clean that out- it would take time away from “more important things”
Basically it all comes down to movement. I feel like if I’m not conquering, I’m not winning the game of life.
But that’s not balance and maybe balance is the ultimate strength. That takes smarts, patience, careful planning and action all together wrapped up into one. But I still have this idea in my head that I have to prove myself to be the ‘ULTIMATE MAN!!!!!! YAAAAAAUUUUUUURRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!”
Balance would mean I have to slow down. And that’s not manly!
Balance takes re-prioritizing…
Wow…huh… reprioritizing. Interesting.
It gets to the questions of what do I really want in this life? Are those achievable? Am I weak for asking questions? Weak isn’t manly.
I want a family. A happy family. A job I can pour myself into and feel fulfilled by helping myself and others. And be very well compensated for it.
I want what I feel within to be fully out in the light.
I want high-level flexibility, health and state of mind.
But right now I feel like I’m still on the wrong side of the tracks in all these areas. Out of reach. Still thinking others deserve good things but not me.
But now I’m at this bottleneck where I just don’t think I can move forward without slowing down and taking care of what I didn’t before.
If I don’t even try to lift the greatest weight of all (maturity) it will be a life wasted. Can’t have that. Have to self-actualize. Have to self-realize. I feel the mandate within and it must be done.
Maybe I’m being too harsh though. It’s not maturity I’m after but integration*
“Do not underestimate the value of being balanced, centered, coordinated, of being strong and light, visibility or transparency, and of being more sensitive.” – Erich Schiffman, Yoga: The Spirit and Practice of Moving into Stillness
“The wicked earns deceptive wages, but he who sows righteousness gets a true reward.” – Proverbs 11:18
God willing.
Groceries today: 1 organic cauliflower, 2 bunches of red beets, 1 head of boston butter lettuce
Total: $12.46
Temperature at Time of Run: 81 degrees F
Weight Before Run: 155.2
After Run: 150.8
Turn around point at Beverly Hills….
Always makes me laugh how much I identify with these buses that pull up with tourists so fascinated with the BH sign… damn I still feel like one of those tourists even though I’ve been here 8 years.
Going for 40 more minutes of yoga tonight to make it 1 hr.
Looking forward to the yoga blocks and strap I ordered getting here tomorrow to make especially the hamstring-lengthening and hip-opening poses a bit easier
God bless you.
If you made it this far, you are an absolute hero!
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Press on, warrior! Remember to treat yourself to some nice herbal tea. Cozy up with your pet, partner, favorite comic book, favorite show. Whatever brings you that real pure joy inside.
And remember that everthing is training so..
Might as well train amazing!
-M
TrainAmazing 
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