TrainAmazing

Woke up at 3:33 AM though I didn’t feel like it. Made an appearance at my local gym just to get the woken-up juices flowing. Stopped in for 2 sets of benching and left. I’m still intimidated by the gym even though I’ve been going to the same one for 7ish years nearly every day and that anxiety never seems to go away. I just have the mechanical habit neuro pathways ingrained enough to override it (most days.)

Took myself on a morning hike without my sunglasses on and endured eye contact with others. Somehow it just seems like everyone disapproves of me upon first glance but I don’t know why.

Eye contact. Person looks down. Why?

Eye contact. Person has a disapproving look on their face. Why?

Don’t know. Maybe it’s all just in my head but it hurts. First, I try to settle down the shock of the hurt and then tell myself it was probably nothing, while not really believing it. Then I just avoid most if not all eye contact until I get home. Mission… accomplished?

I went to work. I went to work. I went to work.

Came home and did roughly 45 minutes of unguided yoga, just letting my body tell me what to do. Definitely not standard asanas but whatever goofy or contorted position, I just let it happen.

I’m learning that this constructed world. This branded world… I’m pretty sure yoga just began by people following their intuition in just this same way about how to stretch and fold their bodies. So that’s what I did.

This branded world will always revert back to cold emptiness but the inner truth is forever. (Is it a psyop that ‘new-agey’ phrases like this seem like garbage now?)

I think it’s true that everything is pretty much a means to an end to LA people. For the most part. Not all people. But it’s a racket in the air that nobody talks about or they pretend they’re not playing the game or may not even know they are because they were raised in it.

It just wasn’t like this in Virginia. Maybe I’m not great at explaining it but something’s way different.

I think I’ve learned that bleeding hearts around here will completely bleed out and perish. So I’m working on that. Trying to be more self-sufficient.

Made a dentist appointment and rescheduled a therapist appointment.

Recently got back on instagram and I’m doing it different this time around. Subscribed to mostly people with disabilities telling their stories and showing their strength as well as people who promote nature. And of course fitness pages.

I enjoy functional or ‘primal’ fitness pages probably the most on there. Still I’m a sucker for anyone lifting heavy weight. That takes courage and patience.

Schwarzenegger will always be one of my greatest heroes of all time.

And still -even more still- I think yoga is about as functional and optimal as one can get. The force of gravity, isometric strength combined with flexibility and its attendant spiritual experiences.

And there is the other half of yoga which is living enlightened*. The process, decisions and inner-adjustments of living Good*. Opening the Third Eye. (Insert psyop disparagement here.)

At the end of the day, I think your body’s just gonna fall apart if you don’t spend time on the mat listening to it. You have to really listen because your body is so used to being ignored it almost gave up telling you.

You gotta take off the headphones and put down the phone as cliche as it sounds.

You gotta really look at your relationships and reckon with the truth that you cannot make others change no matter how hard you try. And ask yourself if you truly truly want to keep spending your time hoping and hoping.

You gotta have sensitivity, yes. But get ish done.

People say one thing and do another. I’m sorry but it’s true. That actually is how humans work. It’s not pretty I know. So the best way to advance is to be self-sufficient. As much as you can within reason.

I want to be one of the few who stare the void and fallenness of this world straight in the face and be at ease.