TrainAmazing

Woke up at 9AM after a four-hour long anxiety episode lasting from 12AM to 4ishAM. On days like this I tend to feel that all is lost. Not so today. Howcome? Therapy, gratitude practice and having more to be pleased about in my life lately.

Took my time making coffee, taking progress pictures, stretching in the shower, spending some time on the yoga mat and then going for an 8 mile jog. Made my first walking-and-talking, advice-type instagram reel. Instagram feels both fake and authentic. But I try my best to follow good peoples.

Today, I followed some who make fermented vegetables, some who live off-grid and some people with different types of obvious disabilities. Their strength gives me strength.

I’ll go ahead and come out of the closet here by saying that I, too, have emotional and psychological disabilities that permeate every aspect of my life. I’ve hidden in this closet so long now because as a male it’s not safe to admit such things. At least that’s how I perceive it to be.

What does it look like? Well, for 4 hours last night I was what I could best describe as catatonic. So overwhelmed by negative thoughts that I can’t really move or get out of the headspace until it lets up on its own.

Being still isn’t so bad though. With age, it’s calmed a bit. It used to be so bad that I massively self harmed. Now I wear X-Large shirts or Large if I’m feeling more confident that day even though I’m a M so the sleeves cover the gigantic cutting scars from around a decade ago when I had no idea how to cope and frankly didn’t plan on being here much longer. (Seen in picture above.) A comment that a friend/acquaintance made who saw them when we went swimming at a pool, about a decade ago, “HOLY CRAP, DID YOU GET ATTACKED BY A BEAR!?”

I don’t go swimming anymore. But I go on runs with my shirt off and though I’m aware that people are probably looking and wondering what the hell happened, I’m not so bothered anymore. I’m more comfortable in my own skin- scarred as it may be.

Most people have scars that they’re very busy every day hiding on the inside. And a large percentage of people have vastly different views on morality that I would actually be more ashamed to have than the scars I have on the outside. So honestly, f**k it.

I’m not perfect but I am a genuinely good person who cares probably way too much in many situations. So much so that I have to actively search out in my consciousness which places I need to tone down the caring because that actually can mess things up in a lot of ways.

I’ve cared too much in romantic relationships, job, what people in public think of me, what friends, parents, or peers think of me. What people on the internet think of me. What the government might think of me. I always try not to offend, even if I am righteous in my view. I don’t need to list all the situations but it’s just too much. Maybe you can relate.

I understand that caring ‘too much’ may come off as an uncomfortable nervous vibe but I just want to do things the best that I can and offer as much as I can. And that’s a quality that I’m proud of. But now I channel that energy towards making myself happy. Even if that means playing a little bit of a game, oh well. Many parts of life are a game and it’s not my fault that it is that way. If people take caring as a weakness or perceive it as cheap or however they do, then I take my expertise, my overflow of energy and build myself up instead. Simple as that. Their loss. Human psychology is weird but again, I didn’t make it that way. So don’t hate the player.

After my 8-miler, I took a rest for an hour or two and headed back out the door for a walk to get my groceries. Got close to 14 miles today.

Hope you had a great Saturday. Thanks for taking the time to read this far.

You can donate to my blog below if you find my writing helpful or beneficial in some way.

Thanks again and God bless you! Hope you had some delicious tea today. I had a gigantic bottle of kombucha. So yummy.

Take care of yourself.

And as I see it, everything is training so you may as well…

Train amazing!

-M