TrainAmazing

I don’t smile because I don’t want to show my teeth. I never got braces when I was younger so my teeth have always had gaps and just generally been a real hassle. The four front ones got knocked out when I was ice skating around the age of 10. The dentist tried to reconstruct these but did a piss poor job so for years, not only did they have gaps, they were oddly shaped. At 35 I’m still so angry at my parents for not getting me what I believe to be a basic human right to dental care at a young age. I’m working on fixing my teeth but it’s a lot of work and quite expensive now. I think part of my personality has been changed to being pretty negative since I’m so insecure about smiling.

Dark circles under my eyes. Ever since getting the covid vaccine, I’ve had an autoimmune disorder that has really messed with my soft tissues. It’s even given me arthritis. I have these dark circles under my eyes that don’t quit and I think I look like a drug addict to others even though I’m not. I don’t like to be seen by others because I’m pretty sure everyone is judging me as either some kind of addict or just general f*** up.

Speech. Since I’m such a nervous person, my speech can be stuttering and slow.

Clothes and overall wealth. Since I barely make any money, I rely on my parents for help. Almost everything I ‘own’ is not really mine because my father pays for it all. On one hand the abuse that I endured when I was younger cannot be understated. I tried to commit suicide 5 times. Luckily I wasn’t successful but society says that you’re not a man or an adult or a whole person if you aren’t financially independent which I am not yet. I am in therapy once a week and I am doing my best to be financially independent but it has been very slow going and I don’t feel like a man or an adult or a whole person because I’m not ‘there’ yet and all day every day I have doubts about whether I ever will be. Needless to say anything career related is a gigantic sensitive spot for me.

Talking to women. I just have this feeling and evidence from past relationships that I am just too broken. No woman in their right mind could or would believe in me enough to want to be my partner. I see myself as so entirely weak and unfit for the demands of this life. I hate myself. How could anyone ever want to be with someone like that?